There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
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He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
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Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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