i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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