I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize