I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
