If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
