Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
