Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
