All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
