from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
