Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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