i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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