she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"