drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers