I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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