Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
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I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
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The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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