Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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