Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
