Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
You're like the curious george of whores
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
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