i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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