2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
