i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
