I am spending my child support on dildos
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize