Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
