last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
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