My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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