I'm so fucking centered right now
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
