On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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