Are we in a gay sports bar?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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