no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Randomize
