NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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