I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
