Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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