I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I cut my penus on the lid.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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