Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
We are all done wearing pants today
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
