I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
