With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
