ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
