I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
