my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
