every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
