i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
