You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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