Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
