I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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