Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
