Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
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