It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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