I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
