dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize
