It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
