my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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