you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
you didnt know i had herpes?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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