he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
