I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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