I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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