My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
My penis needs a shock collar
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
