my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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