mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
