Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
