I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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