so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
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After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
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You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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